Because I Have Been Given Much

The branch I left two weeks ago finally had a temple trip to do baptisms today.

Don’t get me wrong here, I certainly don’t hold it against them. I know they went and it was great for every one of them. They deserve those blessings and they did wonderful work for those on the other side of the veil.

But it HURTS. I’m at the point where I sob about it. I wake up crying at night because I can’t go to the temple. I want to scream and yell at people about it. I literally begged those people for a temple trip. I begged for months to go to the temple and no one did a thing about it. And as soon as I left they started going. And I’m no closer. 

I’m not unworthy to enter the temple. I’m doing everything I can to live a gospel-centered life. So why can’t I go to the temple?! I know that Heavenly Father loves us and that he isn’t punishing me for something because that isn’t how he works. I’m doing everything I possibly can to get the blessings of the temple. It’s what I want more than anything. Why can’t I get there?! Why?!?! 

I usually have a really good knack for seeing the reasons for my trials and understanding what I’m learning from them. (There’s actually something in my patriarchal blessing about that but I won’t go into it here.) But I just can’t see any reason for this. It hurts so much. I’m just sitting in the middle of a McDonald’s right now crying while I use their WiFi to whine about this on my blog. It feels pathetic but I don’t know what else to do at this point.

I’ve tried prayer and fasting. I’ve tried talking to people in positions of leadership who can organize these things. I’ve tried more prayer and more fasting. I’ve tried talking to other members about going. I’ve done everything I can to be worthy. I’ve waited and prayed some more. WHY CAN’T I JUST GO TO THE TEMPLE?!?!